We need to talk aren’t good words to hear when you’re in a relationship and not much better when you’re not in a relationship. Especially at 6:30am. Obligations. Not that I consider him an obligation, but the matter of answering questions at any hour, no matter what, is an obligation. I ensured that he would always have that privilege no matter what, in or out of the relationship. If we weren’t together any longer, he could always contact me with questions about something that occurred, no matter how many days or weeks or months or years had passed. It is my version of after care for the psychological play that we did.
This time it was completely necessary. There were missing pieces of the puzzle that needed to be put together. There were stitches that needed to be put in my heart. We rolled through one question after another, figuring out that he only wanted an answer to my action, not my intent. After that, things were smoother. Only a yes or no answer need be given.
I found myself between a rock and a hard place that evening. On the one hand, he was mine. Mine. I owned him. My property. My slave. I loved him. I vowed to take care of him. I was doing him no harm. I was well within my rights to refuse his request for release. On the other hand, he was in love. As long as there was no reciprocation, it didn’t matter. I felt for him, but that wasn’t detrimental to what we were doing. It was when he whispered to me that she loved him back that everything came to a screeching halt.
What is best for him? We’d talked about loveless relationships before; we’d each been in one and never wanted to return to it. Did it matter that it was only him that didn’t love me? That was only my problem and not his, right? But if he loved someone else and she loved him in return, would he resent me for keeping him? Would he forever regret our entire relationship because it prevented him from exploring this new connection of his? In my head, the answer was yes. Who was I to keep two people apart when they really, truly loved each other?
I was angry. And sad. Not jealous, but it was bittersweet all the same. I couldn’t just keep him. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to just throw him away either, because I’d made promises to him. Selfishly, I felt like all my hard work was going to waste. All the plans I’d made. All the goals I’d set. All the work that I’d put into the relationship was moot. I felt the wind being knocked out of me. I had to agree. I didn’t feel I had any other choice.
Now I’m angry. Not so much that I let him go, but because I let him go and I have a good idea of where he’s headed. Watching him leave the first time was hard enough, but I managed because I knew (yes, knew!) he’d be back. It was okay if he got his heart broken because that’s not where he was supposed to be in the first place. I’d do what I could to help him, to soothe him, to put him back together the best I could, but in the end, he’d returned to where he belonged and I wanted him to see that.
Now though, now those words, that promise of love, it infiltrated my relationship again. Took him from me again. I see him headed back there, back to the same place where he was disrespected, humiliated, and degraded. I’m angry that I didn’t protect the man that I love. Angry that I didn’t keep him as my property and protect him from all of this. Angry that I started things too soon, didn’t let this all run its course fully the first time. Angry that anyone that could hurt him so bad would want another chance. Angry that they might get that second chance.
But who am I to complain about second chances? I got mine, right? I shouldn’t be so angry. That’s the trouble with emotions though, that you can’t always reason them away. I try. Oh, I try. But it doesn’t always work out quite like it should.
I told him what I wanted. I wanted him. I wanted to own him. I wanted to do it differently this time though. I want to be his friend. I want to date him. I want to be his play partner. I want for us to have a chastity device in hand before we discuss Ownership again. I want for us to be able to communicate clearly. I want for us to be able to see each other often. I want for him to feel good about being mine.
What I didn’t tell him was that I wanted to be able to love him the best that I can forever. I didn’t tell him that I didn’t want to see him so hurt again, that his pain physically hurts me. I didn’t tell him that I’m not so sure he’s coming back this time. I didn’t tell him a lot of things. There are some things that I just feel, whether right or wrong, should be kept to oneself. Especially in the case of reciprocated love. Especially then.
There are two things that need to be sorted out before we could ever move forward in a healthy relationship though: I have to learn how to communicate better with him and he needs to adjust his thinking and perception of what a slave really is.
This time, it will be done the right way. This time, I will adhere to the voice in my ear whispering ‘patience’. This time, whenever we get back to it, it will be for keeps. The way it should have been every time before.
For now though, for now we’re friends. Friends has this sweet little jab to it. It means that I can go to the ball games with him, but it might not mean I can hold his hand. It means that we can talk every day, but that I won’t be his priority anymore. It means look but don’t touch. It is, however, a good starting point. It will ensure that we’re focusing on the right things. The only trouble is we never had trouble communicating as friends. Only when we were together. Hopefully I can still learn what I need to from him in this new situation I find myself in.
The worst is feeling possessive but not being able to be possessive of him. Sitting back and having to watch, and wait, and hope. I hope that anyone that he might date in the interim understands how sweet he is, how sensitive he is, how beautiful his heart and soul are, and can take good care of him for me. Return him to me in as close to one piece as possible. Understand that if his heart is broken, so is mine, and mine really can’t take it right now. Really. And neither can his.
