Search Terms

This has to be one of my favorite things about WordPress: search terms. A lot of people that turn up at my journal are using some very fun search terms. Some of the time I feel bad because I doubt I have posts that match what they’re looking for. Sometimes, I just haven’t put that kind of material into a journal post before. I thought maybe I would do a quick post about the things that people are looking for and whether or not they can be found here in my blog.

feminized while tied up – No, I wish. I did have a fantastic fantasy about doing something like this with dil. For each of my pets, I’ve chosen a color that I think goes with them rather well. For him, it was purple. For the last while that we were together, I was rubbing out orgasm after orgasm while thinking about him appearing as a female, bound in purple rope, and gagged. I threw him over the arm of my couch, strapped one on, and went to town on his ass. Unfortunately this fantasy never came to fruition. Someday I plan to enact this with someone though.

fetlife gender queer  - I am on Fetlife, under this name. I am not listed as Gender Queer because I don’t know that I identify strongly enough with that to make that kind of proclamation on a site where there are genuinely gender queer folk that I look up to and respect. Gender Queer is definitely a term I use in describing myself in my blog though, because of the confusion that I’ve had expressing both my feminine and masculine sides.

mummification orgasm – Why would I give them an orgasm? Mummification is great fun though. I have done a few in the recent past. Try clicking the words ‘saran wrap’ or ‘mummification’ in my tag cloud to the immediate right.

“my husband” “i own his cock” chastity – My husband is the one person that I never played with! I did own a cock once upon a time — it belonged to Devin. I did chastity for a while with him as well, and have done chastity with every pet I’ve had, although Devin was the only one I got to put in an actual device. Check back soon for a few tales about Sergie and some long distance chastity, complete with a device!

despite the intense stimulation he knew he would not be permitted to cum – He sure hoped though.

lingerie store humiliation – I did take Joey to a sex shop on our first date (yes, I am that kind of woman). We bought some stockings but I let him come to my house to try them on. On a subsequent visit, I had him take a few skirts into the changing room and try them on. Was he humiliated? Pretty sure he was! These are things that I find pretty ordinary though, so I didn’t think much of it until I saw how red in the face he was when I had to ask a store clerk to open the door for him.

“second+life”+feminization – This one’s fun because I did play in Second Life for quite some time. It’s actually where I met my first pet Lin and my pup Kayn. Lin was feminized to some degree and now, in retrospect, I’m pretty sure we engaged in some little play as well. To me it didn’t seem much like feminization at the time because he was simply so feminine. I think of feminization more like when I take a very masculine person and have them go through the motions of being a woman. That kind of thing with Lin was simply natural. There probably aren’t a lot of stories about that in this blog, but feminization was a very big part of the kinds of relationships I sought and that’s only recently changed.

keeping my boy under chastity – Chastity may very well be my biggest fetish right now. A lot of my fantasies revolve around it. I plan out quite a few scenes that have chastity playing an integral part in it. I got to play around with it for a while and now I’m hooked like crack. I do hope that it can someday be a part of my relationships again but for right now, I’m told I should just let things run their course and see where they take me. (Besides, there’s always Sergie who’s dumb sweet enough to play with me, even long distance!)

Akalashi - This is probably the term that brings the most people to my blog. I like to think that if you know my name, you have some idea of who I am and you’re just trying to stalk me. That’s cool. I like stalkers. But if you’re curious about who I am, want more information, or just want to drop me a line, you can find me on Fetlife or you can just use my email address, listed in my About Me page. Or just leave a comment, let me know that you’re stalking me. That’s awesome too.

As an aside, November is National Novel Writing Month. I’m hoping to participate this year (and succeed!) and so some posts may be slow throughout the month. If anyone reading is also participating, feel free to leave a comment and we can cheer each other on. Go NaNo!

Together

For a while when we first moved in, privacy was a big priority for both my husband and myself. While he doesn’t mind the lifestyle that I prefer to live, he doesn’t necessarily want to see my kitten crawling around in just his cuffs and collar, and I don’t blame him for that. While it took us a few months to sort of figure out our boundaries, I’d say this weekend brought it all together.

On a whim, he suggested that rather than all of us having our own offices and having my pet downstairs in his own room (which never actually happened because of networking issues and so he instead took up computer residency in my office) we should all set up in the living room where it’s nice and open and coincidentally the coolest room in the house. Being in the hot, hot desert, this was a brilliant idea. Especially since it came up shortly after a weekend when my office had been so hot that my kitten was asking to spend more time downstairs where it was nice and cool. After work today, we all met at a furniture store and dared the desks to battle for top spot in all of our hearts. We settled on very cheap desks, three of them, and assembled them in the empty living room. Watching my husband and my pet work together to build things and make our house look nice was a very special treat for me.

Now, the way I sit, I can see over the entire room, I have my puppy right next to me, and I can actually see my pet’s monitor without having to look much further than my own. I know what he’s playing and when he’s chatting. I can’t see him, per se, but if he leans back I have a perfect view of him. Additionally, I’ve found he fits rather nicely under the desk.

The weekend adventures have slowed a bit due to having a lot of family stuff going on during the weekends and also by not having as much of a defined escape as we used to, where I’d leave my house and that ‘life’ behind and escape into an alternate reality where he could be my slave as much as I wanted him to be. While I mourn the outward appearance of that slavehood and fun that we had, I’ve found that I really like this more realistic approach. Besides, if we spent some time in the basement, I could keep him naked and cuffed without any concern.

I am considering having him dress in his cute skirts this weekend. I think we both need a release and there’s nothing more refreshing than dressing him up and taking him down, putting to use the slut that can be found in my slave.

Wrapping Things Up

 

After our last talk about wanting to include higher protocols and how to proceed with these dreams of ours, I felt a very subtle shift occur. It didn’t happen instantaneously but rather throughout the week. We were unable to get together much because he was on call and during those weeks it’s rare that we can actually go out and do anything without imposing on anyone else, so we kept in touch via instant messenger, our first form of communication besides the emails we were exchanging when we were still just two people using CollarMe in attempt to make a connection.

Thursday night his tone was coming across much better, as much as can be told via an instant messenger. Luckily he usually comes across true to himself there. Perhaps a little more adorable and a touch more silly, but all in all it’s the same things I’d expect for him to say if he were right in front of me. Yes Miss and No Miss and May I please Miss peppered the conversation just as they should have been weeks before. Somewhere along the lines they got lost and because I was afraid of putting more stress on my boy, I let them slide. We’ve both realized our mistakes in that.

My biggest fear is that I’ll ask too much of him, he’ll balk, and he’ll run away. This is very reminiscent of my prior relationship, the one with all the D/s overtones in it. I knew in the back of my mind that coddling him was not the answer, but I didn’t want to become a problem. So many times I’ve heard about how a submissive man wants their Domme to be ‘that woman’, the sort of woman that other men wonder why they’re with them, or why they love them, because they seem to be overbearing and controlling. However, in this case, he dated that woman for many years prior to meeting me. He’d already been through that and since he’s now with me, I’m sure it’s easy to see that it didn’t last.

Of course I’m intelligent enough to realize that it was not the same. He didn’t feel loved. He didn’t feel desired. Maybe he didn’t feel as though his efforts were being recognized. Some of this is speculation and a lot of this really doesn’t have much of an effect on the relationship at this point. In the beginning moreso, but now it’s ancient history in my world. I think less and less of the pasts we had without one another and more and more of the future we’re creating together. I know that I’m not the same and at the very base of our relationship is a mutual affection, mutual trust, and mutual respect. We built on top of that, and we communicate regularly. I’m certain that if any of those things change, we’ll let the other know.

So I knew I had to get over that and no one but me could do it. I’ve been working on it. I’d been trying, then stopped trying for a little bit, and then I missed the training. I missed feeling free to ask him to do whatever and expecting to actually have it done. I was tired of allowing things that wouldn’t have slid by if I’d actually enforced my own rules. This was my own mistake. It wasn’t as though he was completely out of line either. It’s not as though every rule we ever made was broken time and time again and I just allowed it. It was just the more subtle parts of our relationship that really fuel the whole thing. Saying ‘Miss’ all the time. Making sure that I eat before he does. Anticipating what I need. Attending to me first, him second. Those sorts of things.

By Friday when he came to my doorstep, I was actually holding my breath. I was wondering if we could actually pull it all together in just a matter of days or if we were going to end up with another night similar to Monday, which is a night I’d rather not ever relive, for various reasons. When I opened the door and saw him smiling, I figured we were in for a good weekend, and I wasn’t disappointed.

Dinner came first. A new rule was being tested. I’ve always wanted to have more control of him, but I want it in limited doses first. The first step in this direction was making sure that he never ate before anyone else, with the exception being if he got a salad and no one else at the table was going to have one. In that case, it was best just to lean over and ask me very quietly if it was alright that he ate. Something else that I’ve wanted to do was to choose his food for him. However, he has particular likes and dislikes and while I know them, I don’t trust myself to always remember them. I don’t mind making him eat something he doesn’t like every now and again, but if we’re going to go out for dinner, I’d rather him actually eat than not. To sort of transition myself, he’s now made to choose three meals he’d enjoy eating and I pick which of the three he’ll have. Sometimes for amusement I feed him from my plate, which typically has plenty of things he doesn’t like on it. There’s something about the way he looks at me, as if to ask if he really has to before he takes a bite that gets me. I love it.

After that it was to Target! I needed some household things. Saran Wrap and duct tape to be exact. I pranced through the store saying those two things over and over, watching him blush. We found some fascinating containers that I think are supposed to go under the bed that looked to be about his size, so I pulled one off the shelf and waited for him to climb in. He got really shy for a moment and then stepped into it, only to find that it wasn’t going to be deep enough. Oh well. We already know he’ll have a cage someday. We just figure we ought to get one for the animal that really needs one first, then for the boy that only dreams of them.

We also picked up pillowcases, just for fun.

When we got home, I decided that I wanted to try this mummification idea that I’d had for a while. It was mostly for play, not really for anything hot or wonderful. I had him strip down and stand in front of me while I saran wrapped his entire body, except his cock, so that I could play with it. From his neck down to his ankles, with his leather restraints on and blue (teal?) duct tape holding it all in place. I let him stand next to the couch. He made a fine sculpture. I especially liked when he got very warm and I could see the slick skin beneath the taut wrap. Additionally, watching his cock leak was very appealing.

After a while of that, I cut a little hole on each side of him and told him that if he could get it off, he could be done. So I watched him squirm and struggle and plead with me playfully to help. I didn’t for a while, but eventually made a few more cuts (including the slightest graze against his leg, which I laughed about a little later on). All in all he did really well and he seemed to enjoy himself.

That night we spent some time in bed, both talking and playing. The bedroom stuff is always fun because while it’s not all that kinky or BDSM’y, I do get to use him for whatever purpose I want. Typically I have him go down on me and I thoroughly enjoy that. Sometimes he’s on top so I can feel him rub against me. We very rarely have sex, which is just the way I like it. Tonight I wanted something a little different for my second, third, whatever number orgasm it was and told him to put on his pink and black skirt. I don’t know what it is about this particular skirt of his, but it gets my blood flowing. It’s so very tight that I can see his cock outlined in the front of it. It’s also very sweet looking though, and is made to be worn with stockings which we will eventually get for him.

Once he climbed back into bed with me, I beckoned him on top of me. Like the sweet little girl he can be though, he positioned himself over one of my legs so he could rub himself against me, or so that I couldn’t feel his cock. He sprinkled very light kisses on my neck and was just so feminine that I couldn’t help myself and stroked up his thigh and over his ass and pulled him onto me so I could rub myself silly.

Saturday morning was a fine morning to sleep in. When we eventually got up, we went to get a very nice lunch and then we watched some television together before he had to go to work, leaving me home to watch my shows and play World of Warcraft by myself. He crawled into bed with me somewhere in the early hours of the morning and we slept right through until lunchtime Sunday.

Finally, it was off to see a puppy agility class! The three of us have decided to get a puppy! Or rather, I decided, j didn’t have a choice, and the two of us convinced my husband that this was a good idea. My husband will never let on that he thinks the puppy is adorable and is surely as excited as we are about his arrival. Surely.

Sunday night brought another burst of quick fun before I headed home for another week of work. We were watching baseball and because we had the absolute worst commentators ever, I decided to spice things up a bit. I opened up the pillowcases we bought, put one over his head, and then used his collar to fasten it on. Then I draped him over ‘the cube’ (which is a footstool) and swatted his ass quite happily with a paddle. For quite some time. With quite a bit of force. We’re finally getting closer and closer to where I want to be in terms of hurting him. We do less warm-ups now, which is something I really like, and I can hit him harder without worrying about breaking him. By the time his ass was nice and red, the game was almost over, so I had him flip over and play with himself for a bit. We removed his ‘hood’ and then he played for a little bit longer and asked me ever so sweetly if we might put a lock on his collar someday.

Someday.

Someday I intend to put some form of permanent collar around his neck and then he won’t have to worry about simple padlocks.

Once home, I smiled a bit as I saw a ton of our furniture stacked up in front of the front door. My husband and I are wrapping up this chapter in our lives, getting out of our house, and moving somewhere that’s more afforadable and in a nicer neighborhood. We’re growing up a bit you see. Instead of taking the traditional route, we’ve opted for slaves and pets and little furchildren. I can’t wait to see what comes next.

 

 

All Wrapped Up

 

 

 

Dripping Cum

A New Way To Play

Yesterday j and I got together starting at lunch and I spent the night at his place. Sometimes when we’re driving back and forth like that, I think about how much I’m going to miss the hours we lose to just driving since we’re going to be living together soon. There are too many positive sides to him living with me to be too sad about it though.

Another thought I have rather frequently when we’re driving together is how I really want our relationship to be structured. I’ve always fantasized about having stricter protocols and having him more ‘slave-like’ as defined by my imagination and not anything else. The downside to that is that I miss his quirky comments and I’m afraid that I’ll somehow miss out on the friendship that he offers me that I don’t think I could live without. With my first pet, I always felt like he was friends with everyone except me, that I was just his Mistress. I don’t get that vibe from j at all, but I don’t want to go back down that road either.

Yesterday we went shopping together first of all. I like to shop with him because he loves to look at things and touch them and try to make outfits of everything, even if we walk out of the store without making a single purchase. He has a good taste for fashion and so I thoroughly enjoy being able to run my ideas past him to see if they’d look good or not. I can tell he’s enjoying himself, which helps me to enjoy myself as well, since I typically dislike shopping, especially clothes shopping, especially when I’m trying to dress myself. It’s quite the opposite when we’re dressing him up.

After that we went for a stroll through the park on our way to the lunch destination where we stuffed ourselves silly on lamb, lamb, and more lamb, with a side of veggies and pita bread. Then it was back to the apartment where I didn’t have much planned aside from just finally getting to spend time with my kitten.

In regards to what I expect of him, what he’s supposed to do right when we get home, he was right on the ball. He undressed right away. He put his cuffs on right away. He brought me his collar in his mouth and I fastened it around his neck. We didn’t talk. I turned on the television and he sat on his pillow. I just needed a weekend to chill out.

Typically when I’m going to his house, I have some sort of theme in mind: pet play, pain play, or feminization are the top three things I enjoy. I did have him paint his nails again because the pink had long worn off and though I kept saying I wanted to paint them, I’d always forget. Aside from that, I really wanted him to learn how to paint his own nails and to be good at it. I wanted him to get better at it so someday he could paint mine, so I wouldn’t have to shell out so much money to have someone else do it when I have a perfectly capable boy at home. He made them look very pink and I was very pleased.

Then I had him put on his scratchy skirt and top. Typically I don’t make him wear any kind of top, but this came with the outfit and I think it makes him look more girly. He relaxed on the floor while I continued to watch television. I’ve given him a lesson or two in how a girl should sit, but mostly he’s picked up from my general statements how I feel a girl should be (which is ridiculous because I’m not like anything I’d expect from a girl). Today’s lesson was keeping his shirt pulled down when it would ride up his chest to ensure ‘the puppies’ stayed put. Whenever it’d creep up and he didn’t realize it, I’d gasp or reach out and tweak a nipple and he’d suddenly look horrified that he’d exposed himself inappropriately and pull it right down. After a while, he made it a habit to check before crawling over to me and that made me very happy.

Sometime after that, I felt he needed a gag. Not because he was talking too much (because he wasn’t speaking at all) and not because he’d said anything terrible earlier (which has been a reason for the gag before) but because he seemed to want to use his mouth so much. With his not speaking and his crawling and the nuzzling I was getting from him, he reminded me very much of a pet, so when he started to drool from the gag in his mouth, I taught him how to ‘wash his face’ on the carpet and absolutely delighted in him rubbing his face over it eagerly to get the spit out of his beard. I’m pretty sure I giggled a bit. After an hour or so though, it was time for the gag to come out. I didn’t want his jaw to be too sore.

A game that we played this morning was that during the television show, he had to remain attentive but didn’t have to watch (not that he can anyhow; I take his glasses when he undresses so he can’t see) and during commercials he could play with himself, which kept me occupied during the breaks.

Late in the evening, when he looked like he was spacing out, I noticed he had a fork under his end table for some reason and had him fetch it to put it away. Then noticed something else out of place and had him put it away. And something else and something else and eventually he just started picking everything up. The boy even went to make the bed for me so that I wouldn’t have to wait for him to do it before I could go to bed that night.

So when it was time to sleep, he knelt at the end of the bed and I laid across it and kissed his nose and told him how happy I was with his behavior that day. He said he liked the way that I treated him, and I agreed that I enjoyed it more than just about anything else we’d done before. We also enjoyed that we could just talk at the end of the night. If I hadn’t missed him so much (hectic schedules last week kept us apart more than not) I’d have him curl up on the floor with his leash attached to the bedpost again, but as it was, he’d be in bed with me tonight, and I fell asleep with him pressed up against me.

I’m really quite pleased with myself, as well as with him. I like that I’m overcoming some previous misbeliefs I had. I’ve realized that a lot of the stress that he’s had stems from not knowing what to do because I haven’t given him enough direction. I told him that I do still want him to speak when we’re out together because I enjoy him as a companion, but I think we’ll start redefining what is a good way to speak to me and what isn’t. It’s my belief that while we can have a very strong friendship, I don’t think he should speak to me the same way he would to just any other friend of his. I want him to learn how to anticipate what I need (and want) more often, but unless I specify what I like (and when I like to have it) he can’t learn the patterns in order to anticipate it all. Best of all, I’ve learned that treating him like I’ve wanted to treat him doesn’t push him away like I was afraid it might (because it overwhelms him or some such nonsense I’ve made up) but instead brings us closer together. They’re all things I’ve known but couldn’t get over to get to, so I’m glad they’re quickly becoming a bigger, stronger part of our life together.

Fluid

One of the requirements that I had on my profile when I was listed with CollarMe.com was that anyone that wanted to be mine would have to be fluid, they’d have to be able to move between pet and boy, submissive and servant, friend and slave. They’d have to know when to slip into each of these roles and be comfortable with having so many roles and I acknowledged that it could be difficult to do, but it was necessary.

My family (for the most part) knows about me. They know about my relationships. My friends of the family do not. To them, j is a friend that comes to have dinner with us once a week. They’re all very nice to him and I’m sure to keep my physical affection for him very low when we’re in that particular place, simply because everyone there knows my family. When the three of us are going out together somewhere new though, I can hold hands with either of them, walk alongside either of them, put j behind us or in front of us, and receive kisses from either of them. It might seem weird to anyone else, but to us, we know what’s going on and that’s just how this relationship works for us.

Last night, the three of us went to dinner together usually reserved for couples. Having an odd number of people probably stuck quite a few people as strange, but it was very natural for us. After that, j drove us to our house and he asked if he could stay for just a bit. I took him into the bedroom and curled up around him, snugging him as has become some kind of ritual before he leaves for the evening. My husband came in and joined us, putting me in the middle. Towards the end of that, he put his arm over me and over j as well, and j turned into the cute little wigglebum that I know him to be, where if he had a tail, he’d surely be wagging it.

I didn’t want to end the weekend there though. My boy has reached some new heights emotionally, finally being able to cry in front of me, which seems to have brought us closer together. He’s been very close to me, physically and emotionally, and just absolutely gushy since we first got together Thursday night. Since I still have two days of vacation, I figured I might as well spend them with him, and so decided to go back home with him last night.

Already exhausted from a three hour dinner with my favorite people in the whole wide world and a very cozy hour of snuggling at home, I wasn’t expecting for much to happen when we got to his place. I just wanted to curl up in bed, curl up around him, and doze off.

Except. Except that for some reason I couldn’t keep my hands off him. He needed to make the bed so I could get in it and just about every time he rounded the corner, I was either touching him or pushing him over the foot of the bed, mimicking the very pose I use when I want to fuck him in the ass. It went so far as to push him onto the bed, climb on top of him, and kiss down his neck, knowing it would melt him.

Once in bed, I was far too tired for sex. I was probably too tired for orgasm, or so I thought. I wasn’t too tired to watch him entertain himself though. I had him strip down to his tight orange panties and rainbow socks and then had him climb in next to me and masturbate. Just a few moments later, I invited him to sit up on my lap so I had a better view of his cock, the way he was teasing himself.

For the most part, I was good. I didn’t touch, which allowed him to masturbate for longer. I didn’t talk either, because I know the things I say arouse him. I did let the word ‘slut’ slip and I was afraid he might orgasm so I decided to remain quiet. The only thing I couldn’t stop myself from doing was pushing up against his ass. I could rub my clit against him and I didn’t want to give up the meager stimulation I was getting. I wished I’d put something on before we started playing because he was so dangerously close to orgasm that I couldn’t hardly even touch his cock.

I asked him what kept pushing him so close to the edge when he wasn’t even stroking and he admitted it was the feel of me pushing up against his ass, and he said how badly he wanted to feel my cock inside of him. I told him that probably wouldn’t happen tonight, but he could go fetch my cock for me anyhow.

The Feel-Doe is really not a bad toy at all. I really cannot stand penetration of any kind (because I find it painful) and so it doesn’t get used very often. When I do use it though, I love it. I love the weight of the thick cock resting against my clit when I’m on my back, which is the position I’m most often in when I’m wearing it. If I’m really, really aroused I don’t have any trouble sliding it in and holding it there, but I hadn’t reached that point of arousal physically. I had him wait with his nose against the wall and his wrists crossed at the small of his back as I situated myself, and then I had him climb on top of me again.

He was already so aroused that he didn’t even need to stroke. Instead, he just rubbed his ass against the bulge I’d created in my pants and the lust in his eyes was evident. I was thoroughly enjoying myself as well. Tonight, learning from past mistakes, I told him to put on a condom. About fifteen seconds later, with my permission of course, the two of us were enjoying some fantastic orgasm, his second for the weekend and my fourth for the day.

While it didn’t go as flawlessly as I would have hoped, it went well enough. I need to figure out how to slip that sucker into me without needing five minutes to adjust. I could have used the harness to ensure it didn’t slip out, but it feels so unnatural to me that I didn’t want to bother. As a result, when he first sat on me, he pushed it out a bit because he immediately pushed back against it. Closing my legs tight and having him sit further down on the shaft made that much easier to handle. The best part was that when I was finished, I could just pop the sticky part into his mouth for clean up and roll over for sleep.

Eventually I’m hoping to get to a point where I can just slide my cock into place and engage in anal play the way I want to. Right now, I don’t think he can handle the sheer girth of my cock, but it won’t be much longer before he can. I want to see if I can ever use it without the harness in the way that I want to. I like the idea of me being on top, fucking him like my pretty little girl, my little princess. That’s what I fantasize about. When I fantasize about just fucking his ass as hard as I can, I can use the harness. It works in that fantasy. Right now though, it would seem I’m trying to fulfill some of the gender confusion that we both suffer from, that we suffer from happily. I’m sure this will have a great ending. It’s all about the journey anyhow.

Gender Fuckery

This is actually one of my favorite topics. I’ve been dealing with gender issues for as long as I can remember. It started innocently enough, making a male character in a game instead of a female. Often times, my personality seems to fit the stereotypical male more than the stereotypical female so I figured I could pull it off convincingly enough. I found when doing this that a lot of what I said, or how I thought, or the way that I did things went over so much better when people thought I was a man than when I was a woman that I never went back. Not until about two years ago when I got introduced to Second Life. I wanted to stop roleplaying for a while and just be me, and in order to do that, I’d have to make a female avatar and be myself. A scary concept after existing online only as fictional characters.

After that huge step foward, I came to realize that I like a lot of what I do from the male perspective better than the female. A lot of this is just the things I’d been taught or what I’d witnessed along the way and most of it isn’t factual. For instance, I was convinced for many years that women certainly couldn’t be in control. Their emotions would get in the way every single time. To some degree I still believe that, but I don’t think it’s such a terrible-bad thing anymore. So what. We’re emotional. Sometimes we’re more compassionate, or could be, anyhow. Our genders don’t really determine a whole lot socially. This was a conversation that j and I got into when we decided to go have breakfast at half past midnight in a cute little diner.

When I step back and look at it, I know it has nothing to do with gender. A lot of everything has to do with how we were raised, the values instilled within us when we were young. Even now I can look back and see the negative reactions from family members and friends alike when they realized that I was the one in charge of my relationships. I’m sure that’s where a lot of it stems from. Another factor is just hanging around the wrong people or gleening the wrong information from people. I wasn’t looking at the big picture.

What brought all of this to mind though was one really hot comment that came from j when I had him pinned face-down on the bed the following morning, after our gender talk in the diner full of crazies. It was a really hot comment to me now, but when it was said, it brought a whole lot of thoughts that I’d had over the past couple of years right to the surface of my brain and I almost, almost, couldn’t move past it to keep enjoying myself. But I did. Which, to me, shows growth in that area. So huzzah for me!

I came back from the bathroom and crawled over him, as I usually do. He sleeps nearer to the bathroom and I don’t want to walk around the bed. I usually get right up on him and start biting, because that’s what I like to do. Then I’ll rub myself against him and typically he’ll just turn himself right over, happy to offer his ass to me. I can have an entire orgasm from this, actually, and most often do. This time he actually spoke. He told me that he wanted to feel me inside of him. As I type it now, even, it’s hot to me. At the precise moment that he said it, I had to turn it over in my head. I had to make sure he’d said what he said. For a split second, I thought he was confused. Then I realized what he was wanting. I might have even put forth the extra effort to do just that, except the little voice in my head prevented me from doing it.

What very nearly came out of my mouth was that he’d never actually feel me inside of him. He’d only feel some silicone toy inside of him. He’d only feel the false representation of what he really wanted to feel inside of him. My boy’s a smart creature though and he surely would have retorted that it absolutely is me because we say it’s me, because we say it’s an extention of me, and that’s what he wants. He didn’t have to though because my good sense kicked in! (For once.) I kept my mouth shut, but I kept those words at the forefront of my mind.

What really got me about it was the fact that I’ve been struggling with the issue myself. In my fantasies I can always push him up against  a wall and take him. Bend him over the couch and take him. Smack him around and then penetrate him. Penetration is a huge part of what I fantasize about. In my fantasies, it happens just like that though. There’s no ‘Oh, hold on one second while I pull out this harness and finaggle a fake cock into it and then line it up just right so that maybe I’ll get some stimulation from it as well and then we’ll get to slowly warming you up so that it’s enjoyable for you and so we don’t have health issues later on down the road. I’ll be right back. Don’t lose that arousal.’ None of that. It’s just bam, bam, done. That’s hot. What I really have to go through to get it? Not so much.

So I took this super intimate problem to the only person that I’d trust with such a super intimate problem and we discussed ways to make it a little better. Maybe start play with it already under my clothes. Like, are you happy to see me or is that a fake dong in your jeans, eh? Right. But it’s plausible. I mean, it sure could happen. Maybe try incorporating it into some of our gender play. Those times when j’s crawling around in just panties and painted toenails and the such. Eventually something will click and it won’t seem so…fake to me, or so I like to think.

Fast foward two days to when we have a date (yes, yes, a for reals kind of date because over the weekend he was all kinds of cute and asked me if I’d go to the movies with him and I said yes, constituting a date) and he says something else that’s all different kinds of hot to me. As I’ve got my arm around his shoulders and we’re waiting for the theater to be cleaned he whispers to me how he likes that he always feels like the girl when we’re out. Zing! I love that. I love that because that’s the feeling I like to create. Because I like to take on the traditionally masculine role, except somehow I don’t ever get to pay, which is not traditional, but I don’t think I’m going to argue it either. When I plan the dates, I get to pay, so it’s all good.

So emotionally, I’m totally the guy. If only I could pull it all together so it could be done sexually as well, because I get this feeling that we both totally want it. Really bad. Me more than him probably, which is why it’s so frustrating for me. I’m sure I’ll get there.

Dreams

For the first year that I was getting acclimated to the lifestyle, so to speak, I was doing everything online. That kept some distance between my pet and I and gave me plenty of time to dream up everything I’d want to do to him if he lived closer to me and also what I was going to want to do with him whenever he did eventually come to visit.

A lot of what occupied the space in my mind had to do with feminization. The rest of it was taken up primarily with inflicting pain upon him. Every once in a great while I’d have some other thoughts flitter through there but those were the two that I spent the most time fantasizing about.

Now that I’m fortunate enough to have a pet that lives in the same state as me, just a couple cities over, just a forty minute drive (which is nothing where I live, really) a lot of these things are happening and coming true a lot faster than I would have imagined. Not to say that the relationship is going fast, but a lot of the really little details that had me so excited in the past are coming to fruitation right now.

Puppy play was something that I considered a requirement to be with me, so much that it was listed on my CollarMe profile. I did get to do a spot of puppy play a couple of weekends ago. It started in the aisle of PetSmart and continued at home. The first round was only twenty minutes long because I wanted him to understand the mentality of it, to get accustomed to not speaking, to simply know how I wanted things to go. The next day, we played for an entire hour. In that hour, we did some tricks. I did some training. I hand fed him. Then I ignored him. Puppies don’t get constant attention!

This weekend I decided we needed to go shopping. I hate shopping. I hate the mall. But of course, it was easier to go to the mall to get what I wanted than to hit several different stores, so that’s what we did. There, our first stop was Victoria’s Secret. There wasn’t anything that really piqued my interest, so I moved him right along and into Hot Topic. I really despise that store. However! They had rainbow thigh highs and wrist corsets. Or gloves, that tie up like corsets, however you want to describe them. In Magenta. So of course I had to buy them for him.

As I was lamenting about how there weren’t any really cute panties in Victoria’s Secrets, he leaned in and whispered just as shyly as any boy could, “Can we go back, please?” and while I wasn’t terribly surprised to hear him actually ask to go look at panties, it did bring a smile to my face and so we went. He perused through the bin of panties and eventually we selected a few pairs that would suit us both. There was some sale going on where he’d get a pink dog too, so that was a bonus.

The best part of that experience was the cashier not being sure what to make of it. Obviously the panties were for him and not me. Everyone seemed to know it. Yet she apologized for the dog coming in only pink. Most of his panties were pink. This boy sure does not have a problem with the color pink.

Speaking of pink, the one other thing I got him on that trip was a stuffed teddy bear. He chose pink. I just wanted him to stuff it himself. Talk about public humiliation. Something about watching an almost 30 year old boy spin around kissing a plush heart and telling his teddy bear that he loves her just tickles me to death. And the girls behind me sure were snickering too. But we all seemed to have fun.

Once we were settled at home again, I sent him to the bath to shave. He sure couldn’t put on pretty panties without having his skin all pretty. Then he put on a show for me, wearing his rainbow thigh highs and changing in and out of his panties when I decided which I wanted to see next. As a final touch, he learned how to paint his toenails. Kind of. It’s going to take some practice but eventually he’ll get it.

Bonus points if you can guess what color polish he picked for himself.

A Weekend To Remember

Technically they’re all weekends to remember, but this one was especially exciting to me. This weekend I got to sample a little bit of all the things I really, really like: bondage, puppy play, and feminization. Those aren’t the only things I like, obviously, but those are right up there with ice cream and dancing in the rain.

Actually, the weekend started with a bit of shopping. My husband, my boy, and I were staring at cameras, trying to decide which of them was going to be the best bang for my buck. I was trying to find one that would be easy for me to use and have all the features that I needed (essentially it needs to take its own pictures and turn out like I know what I’m doing). I figured buying it right away on Saturday morning would give me plenty of time to check out all of its features and give me a practice subject for two days! Excellent thinking, really.

After that kind of shopping was done and my husband went on his merry way, my boy and I decided to do a little shopping for the two of us. It landed us splat in the middle of PetsMart looking at collars and leashes. We had a fantastic time trying to figure out what kind of dog each of those collars was made for. We also had a fantastic time snickering about him having to pick one out for himself while another woman was in the aisle. Alright, alright, I was snickering and he was trying to hide his blushing cheeks. One collar, one leash, one squeaky toy, one tag, and three jingly bells later, we were in the car headed for home.

I kept things very brief for the first adventure into petland. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t use his hands, couldn’t walk, couldn’t do anything a pup couldn’t do. Except that he likes/knows/feels more like a cat, so the first time it was very much about a kitten. Or a very confused dog. He played fetch with his squeak toy, got some pettings, and was just generally very cute. Since it only lasted about twenty minutes, there’s not a whole lot to report about it. I wish I’d taken pictures, but I felt that was more of a private ordeal. Another day, I’m sure.

The feminization that we did wasn’t quite as elaborate. Essentially he has very feminine traits and he has some femininity in his personality. I thoroughly enjoy these things about him and so I like to accentuate them. Or at least encourage them. Something that I’d been tossing around in my head was letting him wear make-up. He could certainly never pass as a female, no matter what, but that wasn’t the point of it either. I had him put my make-up on me so I could explain to him what I’d be doing to him, and then I put it on him. He’s got really nice long lashes so the mascara was beautiful on him. The tones I use for myself also blended in perfectly with his skin so unless someone was intentionally looking for shimmer on his eyelids, they probably wouldn’t have even noticed. Then we went shopping. This weekend really was about shopping. I don’t know who I’m trying to kid.

Somewhere inbetween these two events was the activity that took place that I really want to talk about. I’ve never really had a mental hard-on for bondage, not in the way that most people do I think, because I’ve always believed that if I told someone to stay, they had better stay. They shouldn’t need to be restrained to comply. It’s not really about the struggle or the suffering when it comes to bondage, not for me anyhow. To me, it’s all about the aesthetics. That leaves what I use for bondage slightly limited.

Since I had my camera and I just so happened to have electrical tape, I figured I might as well see if I couldn’t find myself something to take a picture of. The blindfold goes on first, because it helps him get into the right frame of mind. Then it was just a single circle of tape around his wrists and around his ankles. I placed another piece of tape over his cock, taping it to his belly. I put x’s over his nipples. I put one strip of tape over his lips, but it certainly wouldn’t have kept him from talking if he really wanted to.

A few weekends prior to this one we’d played and I’d told him to hold the bars of the frame of his bed behind his head. I loved the way his fingers curled around it. I loved how he held onto it just because I said to. There was an impression made on my mind from that sight alone and try as I did to convey it in words, my words failed me. This weekend I could finally take a picture of it, show it to him, and let him see him through my eyes. It worked fantastically.

Once I was done taking my pictures, I settled myself atop him, the boy that was still nude and taped up, and turned the camera so he could see the pictures I took. He seemed to nod. He didn’t look away like I thought he might. He didn’t seem as in lust with the pictures of himself as I had been, but he got there. And we both agreed that we loved the pictures of his hands.

Aside from all the wonderful activities that went along with this weekend, we also did a lot of talking. We discussed writing a contract. He said a few things to me that really made an impact that I’ll write about after I’m back on the right sleep schedule and not so mentally exhausted.