Quiet

The blog has been quiet but we sure haven’t been.

Back when I only had access to the blogs of other people who were doing this as their lifestyle, as something they didn’t even blink an eye at, I couldn’t understand what they meant by always being ‘on’. I figured with personality came the ability to tell another how to serve and with the submissive personality came the ability to serve, even without the extra spice of kink coloring every interaction. I figured life would just fit together as nicely as that. I’ve recently discovered I was wrong. I knew I would be, but until I could live through it myself, I didn’t realize just how wrong I could be.

We’ve been caught up in just getting him moved in and settled, which took more weekends than we thought it would. It also took paying an extra month’s rent at his last apartment to cover all the time we needed and the lack of notice that we were able to give. Immediately after that, my husband went out of town to help my pup and his family move as well. Their move was more epic than ours, so I heard, and I was a bit happy about not having gone with. Sad that I didn’t get to see my pup, but I already know that I’m not terribly useful in those situations. I don’t have the brute strength to haul furniture, nor the stamina to keep on truckin’ with a good attitude for eight, ten, twelve hours, or the know-how to stay out of the way without secretly (and not so secretly) irritating people. I can organize and direct, but that wasn’t going to help them that weekend. Instead, I stayed home with my kitten.

That weekend we were making up a missed week of agility with the dog due to an incident at his daycare that left a gash underneath his eye requiring six stitches. No one knows what happened and so we’ve decided not to take him back to that particular daycare. It was nice to have two days of agility and it kept us on something of a schedule despite it being a long weekend where we’re normally sleep in. That weekend was also the first weekend that I really felt the vanilly take its toll.

While we were planning some time together, including a picnic after dark to watch the fireworks together (which didn’t pan out, but did result in us having a picnic in the basement and watching bad 70′s movies), our time together wasn’t quite like the time that we’d spent together before. I used to go to his apartment and we were both immediately on. Even when we’d get together during the week, for the most part, we were on. Living together makes it a little more difficult because while he’s still doing things to help me out, there’s not exactly an exchange of power or kink. It’s more like he needs to feed the dog while I shower otherwise I’m going to be late for work.

As Sunday night rolled around and we hadn’t had any true intimate time together, I curled up with him and we talked. He was in one of his moods where he felt he wasn’t enough, wasn’t ever going to be good enough, and wondered why I chose him out of so many others. The way he was saying though, he was asking if I wouldn’t be happier without him which struck such a chord with me. I couldn’t imagine being without him, even though we often have our emotional days together. Despite the fact that times are just a little rough now. We have the stress of losing a paycheck in the household and not knowing when he’s going to have a job again. We’re lacking that purpose that I dare say gives him something to do during the day. That general purpose and ability to provide for his family that I know he’s talked about being important to him in the past. We’re dealing with seeing each other all the time. We don’t have any time away from one another except when I’m at work or on the rare nights where he goes downstairs to read, since my office is also his.

After we spent that night talking, which ended in a rather nice spanking, things went right back to the way they’d been, which isn’t to say that they’re bad, they’re just not what either of us really signed up for.

Tonight, after having a rough day, I bought him a few drinks and we came home and had a good time together. We were able to just curl up and talk. Our conversation carried over a bit from last night, when we were talking about how we needed to get back to some of the basics, such as him wearing his cuffs and collar and also being nude while in the house. We stopped the collar and cuffs because of his skin condition and how he was breaking out from wearing them and the nudity ceased because hey, my husband isn’t so keen on seeing another naked man walking around the house. We’re compromising by just keeping the office door closed so he can be nude while we’re in here together and also while we’re in the basement together. Something that I’m working on personally is setting aside some time where I can just focus on him, because I’ve discovered that while he may feel he needs my time and attention, he feels bad asking for it.

So aside from those few things, we’re having a marvelous time. We get along even better than before, we laugh more than ever, and I’ve found that my pet makes a pretty good daddy to our little furry one. I really couldn’t ask for more.

Flashbacks

Every now and again I peruse the old forums on the site where I originally met j. I read one this evening where a Domme was feeling as though she couldn’t beat her pet the same way she did back before she was so emotionally attached to her boy. I had the same troubles with Lin, when he and I were some kind of item. The more I liked him the less I wanted to hit him, the more I wanted to coddle him and protect him and make sure he wasn’t hurt. I didn’t understand spankings as a playful sort of thing, only as punishment really.

With j I was the complete opposite. When I first met him, I didn’t want to hurt him at all. I wanted to pet him and I wanted to tell him what to do and I wanted him to open doors for me. I suppose maybe it was because in the first hour or two of our ‘date’ I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. I thought his personality was adorable and I thought he was sweet and I liked the way he interacted with me, but I wasn’t about to hop into bed with him. By the time we were well into the movie and I was playing my game of whether he’d pay more attention to me or the movie, I started to feel something. I liked the fact that he’d let me touch him wherever I wanted. If I touched the inside of his thigh, he’d just move his legs further apart so that I could touch more of whatever it was I wanted. I liked that he never, not once, ever tried to make a move of his own.

By the time the movie was over and I wasn’t ready to go home, I wanted to go for coffee, knowing he’d know a place. We went somewhere new to me and we talked. He talked and I listened mostly. I called my husband to let him know that I’d be out later and not to worry because everything was going great. We were the annoying couple there because everything he said made me laugh. By that time I was attracted to him in a new and different way. Finally, by the end of the night, after sitting in a vacant parking lot and talking and talking and talking, we said good-bye and I didn’t kiss him. I kissed his cheek as he hugged me and told me it all felt like a dream to him.

The following weekend I went to his house and I made him strip in front of me. I spanked him. I think I scared him a little but he rolled with the punches. By then, as I was curled up behind him listening to the soundtrack of what I considered the most perfect night ever, by then I most certainly and without a doubt was sexually attracted to him. I liked his beard. I liked pulling his long hair. He had cute smexy chicken legs. I didn’t like his body hair but it was only around for another week. Mostly though, mostly I liked how willing he was. It’s hard not to be attracted to someone so willing to be everything I wanted him to be.

As I felt I was growing closer to him and as my feelings for him deepened, so did my desire to hurt him. I think I was probably more vicious in the beginning because I was trying to scare him off. I wanted to spank him. I wanted to hit him. I slapped him across the face before either of us had ever discussed it and did actually feel guilty about that later. I’ve used clothespins on him, a crop, a paddle with sandpaper, I’ve used my nails, my teeth, and some very fun toys.

The first time I spanked him, I had him on the bed. He was so nervous though that I opted against it. Another time I had him over my lap and I was hardly spanking him at all before he was wriggling all over the place and not handling it well at all. I didn’t think he’d ever be a good outlet for whatever sadism I have stored up in me. Now I have him asking if he can be spanked. Now I actually feel as though I’m not fulfilling his need for pain. I used to pinch the insides of his arms so bad they’d be bruised for days and I loved it, until someone pointed them out to him. Now that he’s wearing short sleeves again, I don’t feel so inclined to do it. The insides of his thighs might fall victim to it soon enough though.

We talk about bondage a lot too. That was one of his interests independent of me. I think I could get into it if there was anything in it for me. If I could tie him up and then use his face maybe. I have a great fantasy that involves wrapping all but his boyish bits in saran wrap and then using him as my fuck toy. Of course I like the idea of having some over his mouth but the poor dear has to breathe. I love when he struggles for breath, like when I cover his mouth and block his nose with my hand. I love how I can feel him gasping for air in the palm of my hand, like I hold his life right there too.

Sometimes I think I don’t make a very good Sadist, but the truth of the matter is, when I stop worrying about hurting him and not knowing what to do for him after, I do have rather violent fantasies. The last time I was bringing myself to orgasm, I was thinking of beating his ass black and blue. I can still orgasm without fail anytime I think about cutting him and watching the lines of blood ooze down his back. I think I love that most because I know he’d hate it. I don’t know how he’d handle it. I’d love to tie him up and bruise him up.

In short, the more I love him, the closer I feel to him, the more I want to hurt him, the worse I want to hurt him, and I’m the only one holding me back. Hopefully I can get to work on that sometime soon.

Another Great Weekend

This weekend provided an event for the whole family to attend. My mom walked sixty miles in three days to help raise money for breast cancer. There were over 2,000 participants and they raised over 5 million dollars. She asked if we would attend the closing ceremonies and of course we agreed. My husband, my kitten, and I were there to hear the speech, to see the survivors that walked, and to congratulate mom for a job well done. Afterwards we went for drinks, as one big happy family. That was the end of our weekend and it really doesn’t get any better than that.

Before that though, there was plenty of fun!

The weekend before, we’d gone shopping and found absolutely wonderful ornaments that we both fell in love with immediately. Better than that, they were 40% off. So this weekend, we headed out to fetch a tree and then to gather up our ornaments, and to put the tree up! The rest of the family would argue that it’s entirely too early to be thinking about Christmas, but we couldn’t pass it up. Besides that, j and I are in agreement that it’s better to get as much out of the Christmas tree as we can.

This is the first time in five years that j’s put up a Christmas tree. I typically decorate a shopping cart at home, somewhere to hide the presents from our sneaky cats. Also, the cats seem to think the tree is there for their enjoyment, so it’s better to avoid that disaster. I got to hang out on the couch and take pictures while j did all the work. It’s my favorite kind of arrangement.

Our Wonderful Colorful Ornaments!

 

He was kind enough to offer to let me help set up the tree and even to decorate it, but after being forced to do it throughout my childhood, with what seemed like millions and millions of ornaments, I passed. Instead, I had a splendid time taking pictures and watching him work. I even managed to get a picture of him reading the instructions and after a playful jab at how wonderful it was to see a boy following instructions, he got me back when I couldn’t figure out how to turn the flash off my camera. He found the button and jested that if I’d taken the time to read the manual, I would have known precisely how to do that. Touche. However. I’d put him in charge of reading it, so that I could just ask the questions that I’d have and not have to fill my head with useless knowledge that’d never be applied. So there. At any rate, I found the flash and got quite a few interesting pictures with it.

I’m not sure what it is about the lighting in his apartment, but whenever I don’t use the flash, all the pictures turn out yellow. If I do, it’s a pure white color like I like. Unfortunately it’s bright enough to wash out just about everything. We quickly figured out that if we use the flash when photographing the tree, the ornaments stand out, and if we turn off the flash, the lights stand out, so that was interesting enough.

Before we even got to the house, I’d seen a sign on a flower shop advertising the flower of the week: stargazer lily. That’s my favorite flower so far, so we made sure to stop and pick one up. It had a habit of swiveling to stare at j as he was driving, so the one that’s open is obviously a girl, and she thinks he’s cute. There’s a bud that kept finding its way into my face, so that one was obviously a boy, who wanted to be closer to me.

This is the flower that loves my boy

 

As exciting as all of that is, we had quite a bit of fun that was more restricted to the bedroom as well. Typically I enjoy a bit of pain to go with my everything else, but because I wasn’t feeling well at all, I found myself wanting him to be close more than anything. His beard is the perfect texture for nuzzling against my neck, so he can be sweet and naughty all at the same time. We’re still playing with chastity, and this weekend marked another one week mark for him. Typically we only go two weeks at a time and then he’s allowed to orgasm, but it’s just because I like to watch him wriggle and squirm and love the sounds he makes when he finally gets his release. Chastity devices are in his future and we’re both looking forward to it.

After a long night’s sleep, I woke up to him snuggling against me, already awake, just waiting to see if I needed anything. Our mornings are always very slow. I like to take my time waking up, and I like to wake up while playing with him. He usually lies pretty still while I rake my nails over his naked skin. I like to make him hard and then tease him until he’s a dripping wet mess. Then I’ll usually get up and shower and dress. Lately though, I only make it as far as brushing my teeth before I come back to him.

Sunday mornings I let him stay in bed, all cozied up, while I shower. Otherwise he’s the first one up so he can get dressed and get breakfast without me having to rush. Instead of getting into the shower, I came back to him and crawled on top of him. I pinned his arms up over his head and kissed down his neck. I like the way that he so visibly melts when I do that, even though I wouldn’t consider it anything special. Pressing down against him, I can feel his cock against my clit. I close my legs tight around his body and then I brush my face against his before I bite lightly against his face, something else that elicits wonderful sounds from him.

From there he’s just my toy. I lick against his mouth. He’s not allowed to initiate kisses so he just remains still for me. I bite against his face and he moans. I dig my nails into his arms and he whimpers a bit. I rub myself against him, and he tries to move with me, so that he can press up against my clit like he knows I like. Eventually his attemps will just fall into a pleasurable rhythm for him. He’ll close his eyes and lose himself in the sensation. I bite against his neck to make sure he hasn’t gone too far.

I could have sex with him, sure, but that’s not what I’m after. I want to use him. I know that he gets some pleasure from it, but that’s not what I’m setting out to do. I enjoy my clit being stimulated more than anything, so I use him for that. His mouth is wonderful, but right now I enjoy being on top. That morning, I wanted him pinned. I wanted to see what he’d look like when we had him restrained. I wanted to see his expressions.

As I become more and more aroused, I lean in so that my warm breath rushes over his ear, something else that stimulates him. I listen to him groan in pleasure and frustration. I let him hear how much I’m enjoying myself and I keep holding his arms up above his head. Eventually I orgasm and I roll off him, back onto my side of the bed. I give him a good smack on the ass and tell him he can go get ready now and while I hear his sounds of frustration, while I hear that little coo of wanting to curl up against me, he gets up right away and does what he’s told.

In fact, he always does what he’s told. He’s a good boy. So when we were getting ready to leave for the closing ceremonies on Sunday afternoon, when he stood up and asked in his quietest voice, “Can I ask you for something?” I had to hear him out. I’d hear him out anyhow. It’s understood that he can ask for things, but he should never expect to get them. “Could I have an itty, bitty little spanking?” was what he asked for and I couldn’t help but laugh. I told him that I didn’t do itty bitty little spankings, but if he wanted to take off his pants and stretch out across my lap, we could see about a regular spanking.

Of course he managed that without hesitation as well.

It was a quick spanking in the grand scheme of things, all of ten minutes or so. I warmed him up with my hand and moved right into using the hairbrush, and then went back to using my hand. I never took his panties off, but I was sure to move them around enough that I could redden his ass without interference. When I was done, I told him how red his ass was and told him to get dressed. He thanked me, like he always does, and then it was time to go.