Last night I had a little work thing that I invited j to. He’s always very helpful in getting things set up and just helping to keep me in the right frame of mind. I work with a bunch of women who can’t seem to get organized. I’m not in a position to organize anything; I’m just not that high up on the ladder, by choice. Years ago I was and I stepped down from it because it wasn’t my passion, and if I’m not passionate about what I’m doing, I become resentful and angry and bitter. I made the right choice. Last night was a fine example of how I’ll never really be able to escape it htough. I want things to go well, I want them to go smoothly, and I want them to be done ‘right’, even if ‘right’ isn’t the same way I’d do it.
After that, we went out for dinner, the three of us. My husband thinks the boy spends too much money on us and in a way he does. But he’s not just buying us dinner, he’s giving us an experience. That’s what’s important to him really. Before the work thing, we’d been talking about when he won’t be working anymore, which will be just a few months from now. He’ll be staying at my house during the week. He’ll have daily and weekly chores, he’ll be making me lunches so I can come home and eat with him alone, he’ll be making supper so all three of us can eat together, and he’ll either go home at nights so he can see the place he’s renting or he’ll go home on weekends. We’ll iron it all out later, when the time comes closer for this to happen. I’ve always wanted a ‘housewife’ and he’d make the perfect one.
Because we’d just had that conversation, because the two of us knew in our heads that this will come to an end soon, because he’ll have a limited income sooner than not, now is the only time he’s really going to be able to do this, so I’m not going to tell him he can’t. Eventually he’ll be making our dinners and we’ll still have that experience, but it’ll be different. We just hadn’t exchanged all of this information with my husband yet, so he was flattered we were being taken out again, but thought it was ridiculous at the same time. I can see where they’re both coming from, but we have a solution in mind.
As we were driving to dinner, the car was acting up like it’d been. I know it stresses my kitten out something awful, so I tried to bring him back. He snapped at my husband. My husband didn’t recognize it the same way that j and I did, but it upset me. There was some silence in the car. I had a moment where I knew I should correct him verbally, right then, and let it pass. So then I was angry at myself. My boy is particularly observant of my moods and immediately picked up that I was irritated, and suggested at him, which I couldn’t deny.
We talked about it in the car right then, just enough to point out that I thought he was being short and I didn’t appreciate it. He agreed and immediately apologized to my husband. Later at dinner I explained I’d mostly been mad at myself for not saying something outright, explaining that I was afraid I would make my husband feel uncomfortable if I did. Luckily we all got it cleared that it didn’t bother anyone if something of that nature was brought to light, which relieved a lot of pressure off of me.
When we got home, I paddled him. I’ve always felt so mixed about using any kind of physical punishment. The only way that I can is knowing that the paddling really isn’t the punishment. The punishment was the silence, was him knowing that he’d acted out in a way neither of us like, and atonement for it had been apologizing. The paddling just gave us a way to get through the leftover emotion, I think. We talked through it. I asked him to pinpoint what he’d done wrong and we discussed solutions for next time, coming up with the fact that he’d just stop talking and also to tell me how he was feeling. After that, I said he could let it go. He’d been punished for it and now it was done and over, and it is.
There were a lot of highlights in the day as well. One of them had been talking about him being my housewife. Another had been when I put him in the doorway, wrists crossed over his head and pressed against the door frame. I thought we could look at eyebolts, see if we couldn’t install one over his doorway in his apartment. He takes up enough space that I have to push him to get through, which is fun for me. Otherwise, he’s standing there, naked, and I can have full access to his body. That’s exciting to me. Finally, we found the matching collar to the cuffs we just got him. He’ll be one fantastic vision of sexy boy once he’s complete in that ‘outfit’. It’ll be another good reason to get pictures of him.
Akalashi's World 